I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
