I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
