i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
