my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
