so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
