We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize