VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
