Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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