Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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