woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
