she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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