I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
