walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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