I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
