When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
