She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
