I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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