I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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