Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
