i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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