This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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