So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
