Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
