coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize