honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's always time for handjobs
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
