I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
