I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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