either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
