I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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