I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Vodka?
Forever.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Text me some of your sweat
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
