Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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