I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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