Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
