I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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