The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
