the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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