You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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