At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
