Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
