So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
