i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
