bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
