farters have to be the big spoon...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
