So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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