his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
