I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize