That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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