I wish you could order shots online.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
