college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
