My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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