I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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