Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
