Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
