Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Randomize
