I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
