ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
