this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
