The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
