so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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