shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
