hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
