I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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