exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
