Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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