This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
