Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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