It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Oh god it's open bar.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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