I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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