I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
