someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
